Confidence, not Competence

God is good. So good.

Every time I get knocked down, every time my abilities, knowledge, or experience are insufficient, God meets me there, in that small place.

During my last year at Messiah, my roommates and I became exceedingly aware of the meaning and importance of the word, “competence.” We would praise and revere those individuals we deemed competent (individuals who reminded us that we had a lot of learning to do and who simply demanded respect), and complain about situations where there was an evident and strikingly obvious lack of competence. Anything or any event could spring on this discussion. A group project where people failed to uphold their end of the assignment lead to an uproar behind closed doors. Campus leaders who shirked responsibilities or acted in ways we confidently labeled “corrupt” made us cringe and scheme ways through which we could “better mankind” (aka: usurp their power). However, it was not until this week that I realized how incompetent I am personally. I am often reminded of my limitations- of my need to be better, learn more, and act differently. But this was different.

Living, breathing, and traveling in a foreign country allows one to realize how truly helpless they can be. Although language can be a barrier, I have found that a foreign culture, history, and tradition also have the ability to work against a person; even if they have the best intentions. I use words to communicate, to express my desires, dislikes, and needs. I have been shaped by western ideologies. My view on things such as family, food, and poverty have been influenced by years spent in New Hampshire and, more recently, in North Carolina. I spent 4 years at a Christian college where I formed opinions, beliefs, and attitudes that define me. However, so much of this worldview gets distorted and turned upside down when you live and work with individuals who started their journey from a different direction. One is not better than the other- the difficult thing is meeting in the middle, recognizing that we have more similarities than differences, and praising God for opening up yet another door into my stuffy mind and letting a different type of breeze blow in.

Having acknowledged and accepted my personal incompetence, God met me. Paul writes to the church in Corinth in 2 Corinthians:

“Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.”

It was like an “uh huh!” moment. Our competence comes from God. “Well of course it does!” I smirked arrogantly to myself. But then it hit me. Competence is NOT defined or made real by my ability to do great things, move mountains, or even learn a language. Competence is ALL God. My ability to accomplish things here is not set in stone. The crevice between failure and success could very possibly be the size of a mosquito. Dengue fever has been spreading like wildfire in the DR, and if get bit by one of these bloodthirsty (always female) “bibitts” (French-Canadian heritage poking through right there-eh?), I could be knocked off my horse and into a bed for weeks. I cringe at the idea of failure, but realize that failure lurks behind every corner. It is only God who has the ability, knowledge, and wisdom to accomplish His will. I am a player, but a small one. If anything, I have realized that this- whatever this is- is so much bigger than me. It does not matter if I am not perfectly comfortable- or if I am unable to fly home for important events- or if I am unable watch the finale of the Bachelorette on abc.com (I struggled dearly over this). No. What matters is that we continue. We continue on the path before us, resting on the confidence that God is an awesome God and will provide the skills- the competence- needed to get His work done.